


When The Lights Go Out

by orphan_account



Category: Thoroughbreds (2017)
Genre: F/F, First Kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 15:02:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14751134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It's only a slight change, and maybe it isn't even far from the truth, but it catches her by surprise nonetheless.





	When The Lights Go Out

**Author's Note:**

> hi it's like 4am I've barely slept in like two days also this was posted from my phone so like. if the formatting is really off or there are some errors or if it's just like generally bad im sorry!

It's really too late to turn back now.

Amanda can tell he's perfect. Just dangerous enough to get the job done without being a real threat, and just scared enough to fuck off permanently afterwards.

But right now he's babbling. It's almost funny, really, how thrown a prospective drug lord seems by two teenage girls buying drugs - and they haven't even gotten to the good part yet. It's a little too easy to tease him. He's going on and on about how hard he's worked to get to where he is, and how this will all be his on just a few years, and really a blank stare is all thats needed to make him realize how ridiculous he sounds. 

He looks back at her for a second, annoyed by her mocking. "You've got a creepy girlfriend." He mutters to Lily, shaking his head slightly. 

Amanda didn't expect that. 

It's only a slight change, and maybe it isn't even far from the truth, but it catches her by surprise nonetheless.

She and Lily were clearly close, sure, they had always had that sort of bond that was clear as day to anyone paying attention, but still that seemed a little presumptuous. She glances over at Lily, waiting for her to correct him.

And then she doesn't.

Amanda can tell that she notices it, because she flinches. But instead of saying anything she just nods and little, and says that she knows. 

Amanda didn't expect that, either. 

She stares at lily for a second, entranced and confused by her reply, before snapping out of it.

"So, you got a gun?"

\-------- 

Feelings aren't an easy thing. She suspects that they aren't for anyone, but they've always felt harder for her than they seemed for others. For one, most everything she felt was so muted that emotions were practically indistinguishable from one another, if they existed at all. And two, on the rare occasion that she felt something, really clearly felt something, it was something she didn't want to feel. 

Like when her best friend is at the of the receiving end of a gun.

Like when she knows that if her best (or more honestly, only) friend gets shot right in front of her, it will be no one's fault but her own. 

It was strange, really. When the same gun had been pointed at her own chest only seconds before, she had hardly blinked. She noticed how Lily had gasped, and really the only thing she could say she had felt was an urge to comfort her. To tell her that he's bluffing, that he's too much of a coward to pull the trigger. And yet, when he turned the small gun on Lily, her heart had stopped. 

She knows he won't do it. He has too much to lose, plus he clearly doesnt have the guts. But for a second, she can't think far enough to remember that. It was like time was slowing down, just for a second, and everything she felt is more vivid than it had been in years. It is no less confusing, it still feels jumbled and tangled, but it runs through her body as if it pulses through her veins. She cant call it one thing, it was fear, it was regret, it was anger, it was something else she can't name so she doesn't try. Instead she focuses on steadying her face, not letting her fear show through. 

She had known Lily since they were kids. It had never been a sensible friendship. Even when they were young, Lily had been popular among peers and well-liked by adults, and Amanda hadnt been either. She had been what the adults had called "troubled," which mostly meant she kept to herself a lot, and maybe killed a few more lizards than average. Most the other kids couldn't stand her, but she couldn't stand them either so it had hardly mattered. But for every rule there exists an exception, and Lily was an exception to every rule. They'd had little in common. They had both loved horses, they both came from money, and that was about where their similarities ended. But for some reason it had worked, something about them fit together in a way they were too young to question. Lily had been her best friend most of her life, she had been the only thing that kept a sense that maybe, just maybe, she wasnt hopeless. 

Losing her would mean losing all she had left in her.

She can't remember the last time she cried. Of course she had faked it more times than she could count, but she can't remember the last time she cried out of real hurt. For just a second, she wonders if she might cry now. It felt closer than it had in years, and only for a second, she thinks she really might.

He lowers the gun, and Amanda doesn't cry. 

\-------- 

Lily is scrubbing his blood of the carpet. 

Amanda can tell that she's upset, and it's not like she can blame her. 

She's not good at this kind of thing. Usually it doesn't bother her that she's not good with emotions, but right now she wishes she could just know the magic words to make things even a little bit better.

When she offers to hug her, she knows she's made a mistake. And yet, she still turns back around. 

"Why didn't you correct him?" it just slips out of her mouth, she's never really had a filter.

"What?" Lily turns to face her, still on her knees, she looks confused, or maybe annoyed. 

Amanda takes a step closer "When he called me your girlfriend. Why didn't you correct him?" 

Lily scoffs. "Is that really what youre concerned about right now?" 

Amanda shrugs. "I'm just asking."

There's a second of silence between them, and Lily is looking at her like she's unbelievable. 

Amanda knows she's made another mistake. She turns back around, and starts to walk away. "Forget I asked."

"Amanda, wait!"

She's almost out the door when Lily's hand catches her shoulder. 

Lily wraps her arms around her, and she feels close to her. Her breath is warm on Amanda's neck, and she's squeezing her maybe just a little too tightly. Amanda returns the gesture.  

Lily moves her head from its spot on Amanda's neck towards her ear. "I'll see you soon." Its just barely above a whisper, and Amanda shudders. 

Another mistake. 

\-------- 

"You're great in other ways." 

She doesn't know how to fix this. For a while, when she and Lily hadn't been talking, her life had felt so in control. It was just her, Honeymooner, sometimes her mother - and she could handle that just fine. There was no confusion, nothing unpredictable, it had been so easy just to drift by. 

And then there was Lily. 

Her mother had always liked Lily, she was the kind of girl who was considered a "good influence." It had taken some nudging for Amanda to agree to a tutor session. It wasn't like they had had some massive falling out or anything; Lily went to boarding school, Amanda didn't, and that was that. But still the idea of seeing her again had seemed like a bad one, even if she couldn't explain it. 

It had taken their second session, when Lily had told her off, and she could finally see her old friend as clear as day, for her to realize why.

She's in love with Lily. 

She didn't really know when it had started, she guessed when they were young. It was just like her to never even realize it, to push it so far down it barely existed. But now she knows, and now it's real. 

But it's not like it matters now, anyways. 

At least not at the moment, because there are tears forming in Lily's eyes and she's gasping a little for breath. She almost congratulates her, on figuring out the technique, before she realizes it's genuine. And for a second she wonders if she had taught Lily the technique or if Lily had somehow taught her, because she's never seen anyone cry so perfectly as her. Its mesmerizing, almost, and she can hardly comprehend a way something so perfect could be unplanned. She briefly wonders what to say, and then she decides to say nothing at all. 

She walks towards Lily, and gently wraps her hands around her shoulders. Lily's back stiffens, and then Amanda can feel her relaxing into the touch.

"Are you okay?" Her own voice comes out quieter than she expected, just barely above a whisper. 

Lily looks at the ground instead of answering. 

She nods, even though she knows Lily can't see her. she rubs her shoulders as gently as she can. "It's going to be alright." She whispers it into her ear, like shes afraid someone might be listening. 

And Lily looks up.

Lily turns around to face Amanda, and engulfs her in a hug. Amanda doesn't think that will ever fail to surprise her. It takes her a moment to find herself again, and she reciprocates the gesture the second she does. 

There is a long, healing, moment before they break apart. 

And when they finally do, it is only in the most technical sense - her hands still lay on lily's waist, and lily's still rest on her shoulders. They're looking at each other, still. Amanda doesn't think she's ever seen someone look at her this way, even if she couldn't say what this way really is. 

Lily looks almost incredulous. Tears still shimmer on the edges of her eyes, and her mouth hangs open just a bit. Her hands are shaking, and she begins to move them. Slowly, her hands creep up to Amanda's face, and she rests them on her cheeks. Amanda inhales sharply. They're still just looking at each other, like some intense staring contest - except that Lily's eyes dart towards Amanda's lips, and she blinks before meeting her eyes again. They look at each other for another second, and Amanda can feel it's her turn to stare incredulously. 

And then, Lily leans in.

It's soft, and gentle, and Amanda barely has time to close her eyes before it's over. 

But it happened.

Amanda can tell she's gawking at her because Lily looks worried. she wants to tell her that it's fine, that it was perfect, but she doesn't know how. So she does something easier, and pulls her back in. 

It lasts a little longer this time, and it's slightly more serious, while still being incredibly careful. When they pull away, they're both laughing. Not because it's funny, just because it's perfect. 

Their hands rest on each others cheeks, and their foreheads are pressed together, and they're both laughing like they've heard the funniest joke in the world. 

"I think I have a new plan." Amanda whispers, grinning a little 

Lily doesn't respond, but she looks at her and giggles expectantly.

"Run away with me?" 

Lily laughs, and Amanda worries for a second she'll say no. Instead, she nods and pulls Amanda back in for another kiss.

Amanda thinks she might have finally figured it out.

**Author's Note:**

> also thanks to carly rae jepsen for writing run away with me because that's where the title came from and also its the best pop song of our generation


End file.
